Dear Haiti

Dear Haiti,

It's because of you I have a difficult time trusting anyone.
It's because of you that when faced with suffering and death I can't even cry anymore.
It's because of you I can't bring myself to go outside after dark.
It's because of you my faith in NGOs has significantly decreased.
It's because of you I feel tense and can't quite relax, no matter where I'm at.
It's because of you I can't remember some of the basics, such as how to drive automatic, how to checkout at a grocery store, etc.
It's because of you I bleach my produce as soon as I bring it home.
It's because of you I sometimes forget who I am and who I used to be.
It's because of you I've learned to drive manual, master bucket showers, and wash laundry by hand.
It's because of you roads in America have suddenly become so smooth.
It's because of you I'm afraid to go anywhere alone.
It's because of you I've witnessed true hunger and need, often unable to provide a solution.
It's because of you what was a slight tolerance for small talk has diminished to almost nothing.
It's because of you any little vibration makes my heart race and my body run to the nearest exit.

Coming here has taken so much from me, taken so much out of me, and completely changed me. I have countless experiences and heartbreaking stories that I can't share with anyone who will truly understand. This kind of perspective and comprehension can only be successfully realized by one's own personal experience. I have relationships that have been broken by my choice to move away, and relationships that have sustained the distance. New relationships have formed and are strengthened daily by the many questions I've learned to ask.

But Haiti, 

It's because of you I have successfully learned another language.

It's because of you my heart has been forever changed.

It's because of you I've learned how to "make do" with random things in countless situations.

It's because of you I've met lifelong friends.

It's because of you I've learned to say no.

It's because of you I've witnessed the power of prayer in a literal way.

It's because of you I've learned to be better at accepting last minute changes, having no plans, and being very flexible.

It's because of you I'm satisfied when I get one thing crossed of the to do list for the day.

It's because of you I've learned to truly listen and hear what is being communicated.

It's because of you I can't sit still during church worship.

It's because of you my heart is touched daily hearing of strength and resilience.

It's because of you I've felt what it feels like to have a broken heart, yet to see the beauty in brokenness.

It's because of you I now value relationships over timeliness and the expectations of others.

It's because of you a big smile and hug from a child will make my whole week better.

It's because of you I've learned to love people as they are, and not base that love on how I want them to be.

It's because of you I've seen some of the most beautiful places in the world.

Laying awake at night, physically exhausted from the heat, mentally worn down from the hardness of life, and saddened that it all comes down to life not being fair, I often wonder what the purpose of it all is. But then I remember these lessons I've learned, the lives being transformed, and the unmeasurable love that I feel as I look into the dark brown eyes of those I call my best friends.

And when a tear runs down my cheek, I thank God for these lessons, these people, and this place that I call home.