Journal - April 11, 2024

How are you supposed to feel when you are asked to leave your home? It’s not your choice, and you don’t know where you are going or how long you will be gone. You will be going alone and leaving others behind.

As the situation in Haiti’s capital continues to be extremely difficult, it has finally drawn the attention of the US media. Life has been hard for several years as insecurity, violence, and lack of government has caused many “normal” functions of society to not function at all.

For several weeks I was told to be ready to go as soon as an option would open up. Each day felt like living the last day, and therefore became emotionally draining. Finally I was able to confirm a date. This was still difficult, but at least I could better plan for being gone. Four days before the date arrived, I was asked to give my place to a family trying to travel together, and take the next option a few days after that. With the new plans, I gratefully embraced the extra couple days.

I have a young rose bush in my yard that had yet to bloom. On those last days, a small bud appeared and began to grow. Each time I walked past it, I was sad that I wouldn’t get to see the first bloom. Since when do I get emotional about a bloom of a rose? On the day before I was supposed to leave, God knew I needed a gift and it opened.

But the date of leaving arrived and the goodbyes were not easy. What are you supposed to say to a child who is used to seeing you every day when he breaks down sobbing, not knowing when he will see you again? How do you give hope to someone who is living in very difficult circumstances and facing so many things in life that he doesn’t deserve? It breaks your heart because it feels like you are abandoning at the time when you are needed the most. But you didn’t want to go in the first place.

How do you keep your heart from breaking when your coworkers faithfully tell you that God has a plan in all of this, as you are leaving them? When eight dear people gather to pray with you before you leave for the airport, sharing love and touching thoughts that make the tears fall uncontrollably. “Don’t cry too much, you’ll be back soon” they say, “We love you, don’t be sad”. It’s not possible, sadness is part of it.

There are no words left to say as you grab your bags and head to the airport. The pain you are feeling is reflected in the eyes of your driver.

Silent tears were still falling on the way to the airport, when my phone rang. “The plane had an incident and you won’t be leaving today” I smiled through the tears. God had given me another day.

A few days later it was confirmed that new arrangements had been made and I had a new date, seven more days. There is another new bud growing on the rose bush. Walking by it makes me sad.

I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it all again.